I'm going to get deep

Since I started core 3 weeks ago, every Wednesday I have blown my week straight after weigh in. Last week the clerks at the meeting where I weigh persuaded me that I should take Wednesdays off from WW and eat whatever I like. I started Wednesday morning and didn't stop until I went to bed. That doesn't work for me, I have to be a control freak at all times because if I don't, then I lose all self control.

This is where it gets deep. Yesterday I went to the cinema with my best friend Fi. I must have eaten half my bodyweight in pick n mix. I don't know why I did it, I just ate unconsciously. She is my "fat friend" and I always associate her with eating and having fun and the two are intertwined I think. I did exactly the same thing when we went out for my birthday. I didn't want the sweets but I wanted to have "fun" and the way I have fun with her is to eat.

That's got to change, I have to re-define my relationship with her. I have to see her as someone I can have fun with without stuffing my face. I think that I'm trying to prove to her that maybe I haven't changed, that I'm still fun and not one of those "boring dieters" who go on about calories and fat content, so I go to the other extreme.

As Oprah says, "you can't change what you don't acknowledge", so maybe if I recognise this in myself I can do something to change it.

Trouble is, I've now blown my week again on day of weigh in. Maybe I can get it back if I try and fit in some extra exercise. But I already exercise 4-5 times a week and I don't lose if I don't do that, so I'm just going to have to put it behind me and not be so stupid next Wednesday.

I also read Paul McKenna's book today and I'm going to read it every day before dinner. He talks about wolfing your food down and eating unconsciously. I definitely do that. I don't eat particularly quickly, but I do eat watching tv and I do ignore my full signals for one more tasty bite. So I'm going to eat very slowly this week with the tv off and think about what I'm eating.

I haven't added a recipe for ages, but I ate this tonight and it was lovely.

Pork Chops with Chilli Apple Sauce
serves 4 4 points (core)

1 bramley apple, peeled, cored and chopped
2tblsp cider vinegar
4 pork chops
1 onion, chopped finely
1 red chilli, deseeded and finely chopped
150g button mushrooms, wiped and halved
300ml vegetable stock
1 eating apple, cored and sliced thinly
2tblsp low fat soft cheese
1tblsp vegetable gravy granules
thyme sprigs, to garnish

To make the apple sauce, put the Bramley apple in a small pan with the vinegar. Cover and gently cook for 5 mins until soft and stewed. Puree and set aside.
Heat a wide nonstick frying pan and spray with Frylight. Brown the pork on each side for 2 mins. Remove and set aside.
Add the onion, chilli and mushrooms to the pan and gently cook for 3-4 mins until softened. Add the vegetable stock, apple slices, apple puree and soft cheese. Bring to the boil and stir in the gravy granules until thickened.
Return the pork steaks to the pan and simmer for 10 mins until cooked. Season and scatter with thyme.